Finding yourself.

How long does it take?
Two years?
Or ten?
Twenty or three months or one?
More if you don’t talk,
less if you do.
Forever, if you keep asking when.
How long does it take?
As long as it does.
If you write, if you wait, if you don’t.
Forever if you think
that it doesn’t matter.
But it won’t,
if you think
that it won’t.
How long does it take?
I thought:
it would have been less,
Because it seems like it went on forever.
But it seems to have taken
as long as it took
Just remember,
It never takes never.

An observational poem.

This is an observational poem.
Observational poems are about things the writer
sees
has seen
is seeing
has been
or believes
or has made up as being.

Which means this is going to go one of three ways.

1. You are my project
2. You are my subject
3. You are subjected to my project

You are wearing a shirt you are not sure about
You are embarrassed at her loud voice
His laugh
This place
You are tired of your child’s
relentless

attention

seeking.
You are pretending to listen
(to what he is saying).
You are hoping she will stay for one.
More.
Drink?
You are scrolling for flaws in the images of others
which you will never find
like you are able to find in the images of yourself.

You do not want to be here.
You wish that he was not here.
You do not feel that you belong here.
I cannot believe that you are really here.

You are pretending not to watch me as intently as I pretend not to notice you.

You are scared that I have sussed you out.
You are scared.
(I have sussed you out).

Writing is hard.

Writing them down was so easy
(You should not feel bad about that, but it was).
It was
The thing was, was
there were all of these feelings,
and the more that there were
the easier they were, were to write,
so right
And so on
and so on
and so on
and so
it is ok now though because
Even though now though,
I feel dead inside.
Too many words, all the same.
It was easy.
Better not to write them down
Better not to write them down.

Thank you, Dr Ford

Because she spoke too softly
Because she spoke too loud
Because she spoke too soon/ too late
Because she made us proud
Because no-one would believe her
Because they’ll say it was her fault
Because they asked so many questions
But couldn’t say the word ‘assault’
Because she can’t remember
We know she remembers every day
Because she is a woman
And women know things go this way
Because she said that she was sorry
For the things she didn’t do
Because she spoke for all of us
Because she stood there for #metoo
Because power means more than people
Because such cruelty must run so deep
Because she says that she heard laughing
These are just the secrets we should keep
Because, please do not upset him
Because his life cannot be destroyed
Because a man is just a man
“A boy is just a boy”
Because we know how much it scared you
To face a wall of old, white stone
Because you did it anyway
Because you did not stand there alone
Because they tried to silence you
But now we say no more
Because you speak for all of us
I thank you, Dr Ford.

Kilimanjaro

Calm and cold and happy and home and journey and got this and there
Bonding and watching and packing repacking and sunset and sunrise and where
Long and cold and cold and cold and lonely and starting and scared
Walking and walking I got this let’s go and I want it so bad and don’t care
Arriving and camping and camping and hiking and forest and monkeys and sky
Tree tops and hill tops and ice tops and freeze in a tent on this huge mountainside
Missing and wishing and dreaming and hoping and writing but just in my head
Stronger and longer and just need to conquer each day and keep looking ahead
You’ll make it you won’t you can and you can’t it’s easy you just don’t give in
You’ve walked it believed it a thousand or more and each step you can count as a win
Laughing keep laughing and being yourself and discovering just what that means
And one day you’ll get there you might touch the sky and somehow live all of your dreams
Panorama and drama and stars fill your eyes and you’ve never seen skies quite like this
And I got your message and I saw the moon and I know that you sent me a kiss
Remember forever and beat it and proud and there’s love and there’s strength and there’s hope
And there’s no-one and everyone and it all lives in me and I wish you were here I can cope
Heightened and weakened and strengthened and strong and I don’t have to care what they say
Stepping keep stepping keep onwards believing that upwards is my only way
And then I stopped writing the words all dried up
because the memories they meant so much more
And I will remember forever the view from the top
It showed me all that life was for.

Something and nothing.

Something about it being harder not to than to.
Something about looking forward
and never looking back.
Something about that something someone said once.

Things will get better than this.
You are better than this.
Get better than this.

Something about we only have one life.
Something about strength comes from within.
Something about one love to conquer it all.
Something and something about you.

Something else about you.

Something about what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.
Something about good things come in the end.
Something about the most important thing is to be happy.
Something I forgot.
and something I forgot again.

Something that makes me who I am.
Someone I’ve loved all this time.
Something I never thought I never knew that I knew.
Something you taught me.
one day.

Something about nothing
I ever imagined
Something I will be brave enough to do
Something one day you’ll be proud of
Something and nothing
That’s you.

One year.

There are five
three six
three zero
of seconds
to fill in your life every year.
Eight seven
six thousand
hours to spend
on love or on hope or on fear.
Seventeen new ways to discover yourself.
One hundred new things that feel strange.
Ten friends
to help you remember yourself.
A billion of more of your tears.
There are four different countries
or more, if you can.
No limit to words on a page.
Three quarrels
four sorrys
too much doubting yourself
but infinite new ways to change.
One lesson.
Two heartbreaks.
One love always there.
Two houses, but only one home.
So many times that you could have said yes
the most important of all you said no.
A whole year of memories
just once round the sun
and countless ways to count time.
The only times I’ll remember forever
are the times that I made this year mine.

The Fermi Paradox

A universe so endless
Perhaps a trillion different galaxies
More stars than there are numbers for
Every opportunity and fantasy.
That means there must be something else
To fuel our search for nothing,
It’s what we’ve all been fighting for.
It’s all that we can trust in.
But maybe we are all alone,
And if that turns out to be true,
Then, when we decide to push the button,
It won’t be about me or you.
Because if you want to, we can kill ourselves
Destroy our planet, rape our earth
Take the fortune we’ve been given,
This civilisation from its birth,
And we could end it all right now,
It would make a lot of sense,
If the universe wants it that way
Let’s forget all the pretense.
The others never made it
If they had, we would have seen them
The probables too infinite
To believe we have such freedom
Or we could choose another way
(But this will never happen)
We could be the first in all of everything
To own another planet.
Instead let’s all just kid ourselves
And think we mean more on our own
Believe that inward, selfish happiness
Is all we need to know.
It’s easier that way, you think?
Than to fight through the next blocks
Perhaps the biggest still to come.
That’s the Fermi Paradox.

See yaaaaa

Try to make me hate goodbye
When goodbye ends the loneliness
Try to make me hate goodbye
When leaving gives me wholeness
Try to make me hate goodbye
But hello was just a word anyway
Try to make me hate goodbye
As if you forced me out, I couldn’t stay
Try to make me hate goodbye
You think I’m scared of changing
Try to make me hate goodbye
When there’s a whole world to rearrange in
Try to make me hate goodbye
Did you believe that you could cage me?
Try to make me hate goodbye
Your arrogance made you lazy
Try to make me hate goodbye
Because you’re the one scared I’m leaving
What you didn’t know is that I love goodbye
It’s how I know that I’m achieving.

The story of the puppet.

You can only write
The things you know
?
Like the puppet master
Who knows his puppet
Who controls his puppet
?
Who decides
When he sings
And when he dances
And when he smiles
At what
?
Who chooses
When he is happy
And when he is angry
Or when he is tired of
The show
?
Who tells him
Now be brave
It is time to change
Because he feels lost
Even when he isn’t
Alone
?
Who agrees
When he cuts his strings
And grows some wings
To take back
Control
?
Who knows
?
Remember, puppet
You can only write
The things you know
.