Don’t look back.

There are things that I wish I had told you,
I couldn’t be arsed at the time.
You didn’t deserve to know them.
You had taken enough.
They were mine.
But maybe I couldn’t admit then,
These things were such hell in my head.
And if I had said
just one thing out loud,
That made it true.
And I’d rather be dead.
There are things that you should have told me,
Why you didn’t I guess I’ll never know.
Maybe because you’re a coward.
Or you preferred to keep up with
The Show.
So, now here are things I will tell you,
And Pay Attention
Because here come The Facts
Not really something you’re used to,
So I don’t expect you to react.
1. Life is better without you
2. You wasted my time with your shit
3. I don’t think that you ever loved me
4. That still hurts, just the tiniest bit
5. I don’t know why I couldn’t be me then
6. I’m not sure if I ever knew you
7. I’ll never let anyone hurt me
8. No second chances, or being untrue
9. From now on I live my life my way
10. I won’t let anyone tell me I’m wrong
11. I’ll believe in myself so much more now
12. I guess I learnt that from you all along
13. Now I’m glad for the bad things that happened
14. They proved that I’m stronger than you
15. I’m excited to make my own future
16. I’m happy
17. I hope you are too.

29344954_10155503812287060_403275226_n

Overthinking

When I am sad, I think about you.
And when I am happy, I think about you too.
And when I have nothing else to think about
or I should think about other things
I find myself thinking about you.
Then sometimes,
when I don’t think about you,
and I think about me instead,
I will wonder if I’m still thinking about you.
Then there are some times
when I wish I could think about you
but I can’t think of anything to think about,
so I think about something else.
And that’s almost as good.
Almost.

unnamed.jpg

Helvellyn. Britain’s best walk.

For my Grandad.

If you ever jumped into the back of a cab
and the driver was charming, with the gift of the gab.
If he was the smartest dressed driver that you’ve ever had,
you jumped in a cab with my Grandad.
His Italian was fluent from his time in the war,
we’d listen to his stories, though we’d heard them before.
From travelling the world, to taking dance bands on tour,
now I just wish I could listen some more.
He’d wrap us up warm to go out in the cold,
and make our friends laugh at the jokes that he told.
Chase our bikes through the park, though he was too old,
he’d buy us ice cream, give a hand we could hold.
I know he’ll be there when I walk down the aisle,
Like he’s always been there since I was a child.
Cigars, whisky, snooker and snoozing a while.

But what I’ll remember most is his smile.

Write.

So you want to write?
make sense of this place
create your own space
share the things
that only you’ve seen
use the words
that don’t just mean
everyday things
you said you would make it
you’d create it
alright
you said
you know what you want
so write

Wow.

Turns out I’m bigger than I thought I was.
In fact, I’m fucking massive.
And I know I’m really fucking big because
people talk.
And people only talk about big things.
Like things that change the world.
Like the entirety of the universe.
Like the fact that it’s so fucking infinite you could think about it every day of your life and you still would never have thought enough not even enough to cover this one small space on my computer screen let alone grasp how meaningless it all becomes when you contemplate that
one
single
star
light
years
away
god
you’re pathetic.
But you can be massive too.
Just think.
If one single star is so important,
so far away
and we still think about it.
About how incredible it is, how incredible for being so far.
And you’re right here.
Isn’t that just
wow.

The Shadow

On reflection, it was a person.
A reflection to stretch in to
A connection.
That crawls up walls
Grows tall then falls.
Too evident to ever be seen.
On reflection, it was important.
A protection against
A projection.
That holds hands in light
Disappears at night.
Where is it going and where has it been.
On reflection, it was
Just a reflection.
A misconception.
A constant rejection.
On reflection, it could not have been me.

The Squirrel

So, I’m watching this squirrel
And he shouldn’t be here
He knows it
I know it
But he’ll still persevere.
He’s dreaming of trees
Leaves and branches and such
Of squirrels like him
He’s dreaming of nuts.
He didn’t think there’d be concrete
Didn’t plan for these streets
He never imagined
They would make him complete.
Now I can’t help but watch him
And I know he sees me.
I wonder if he wonders
If I miss the trees.

FullSizeRender-1.jpg

Mam Tor in the snow. The first and last route of the year, as a reminder of how far I have travelled.

Stranger.

Stranger than
You
Or him
Stranger than
The things I said
I did
I thought
That’s the strangest thing
anyone has ever.
But you aren’t stranger
You aren’t a stranger
You can’t be a stranger
To me.

Time.

Sometimes you have to stop to go.
Take time to take time

apart

to know.
Because the time you spend
taking a few steps back
to breathe
to stop
to see the cracks
will give you time on things that matter
and show you how to do things better.

And then you won’t be scared
When time stands still.
Because it’s the only time
you’ve got until
it’s time to go and time speeds up
and you’ve just got time you wish you’d stopped.

FullSizeRender-1

“Keswick is a market town in northwest England’s Lake District National Park, surrounded by mountains like Skiddaw.”

Dear Eve.

Eve, it’s time I taught you,
Now that you are one,
How to fill your life with magic,
Laughter, love and fun.
Always keep your feelings honest,
Always listen to your heart,
There may be things you’re scared to do,
But never be scared to start.
Then I know you will be happy,
And you’ll make others happy too.
You will find there’s nothing better,
Than making people smile like you.
Grow to be just like your mummy,
Strong-willed and oh-so-kind,
I know she’ll be your strength in life,
Just like she’s been mine.
Have such great adventures,
Go see things I’ve never seen,
Learn languages and cultures,
Come back, and tell me where you’ve been.
Remember, it won’t always be easy,
And sometimes you’ll feel alone.
That’s when I promise I will be there,
So you are never on your own.
You will overcome some obstacles,
You will face your share of pain.
You will find love, and you will lose it.
But you will find it once again.
And I will be there through your best times,
And I will be there through your worst.
Because, of all the girls in all the world,
Eve, you are the first.

I wrote this poem for my niece, Eve, for her first birthday.

FullSizeRender.jpg

Marathon training on Formby Beach.